Uncomfortable of being myself!

A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others. -Frank Morgan

Frank Morgan was a wise man I believe. You know, going by that saying I find my heart very clumpsy and dirty. I always thought when I was a  teenager or in my early twenties, I was liked by everybody. They treated me like that. Wherever I went, I had a gang of people I know with whom I can sit and talk with. How great those days were??

But now, you see I dont feel appreciated by anyone. I accept that I have gone into some hollow of negativity and self pity over these years but still, I thought there will be atleast two or three people who can actually understand me.

What I believe is however a bad man is he will have a nice heart inside him. Atleast some times. During holocaust SS Captain Amon Göth was responsible to carry out the Final Solution in Germany. People used to say “See Goth; See death”. He murdered thousands and thousands of people without any second thoughts. He even murdered a female engineer just for saying the foundation is not good. But still he let a pianist live after hearing her play Nocturne by Chopin. Who would thought that tough guy got a place for music in his heart?

Coming back to the point, Its sad that nobody believes I have a tender heart which get hurt beyond repair sometimes and I just need some one to talk it over. May be I am worse than Amon Goth.. But I am seriously uncomfortable of being myself.

I am not comfortable with my colleague trying to over run me. I am not comfortable with my habits. I am not comfortable the way my hair is. I am not comfortable with my physical appearance. I am not comfortable in relationships. I am not comfortable with my position in office. I am not comfortable of being myself. Period.

Wish I could transform into someone who is super positive, with thick strands and wavy pattern of hairstyle and a sweet heart of the people who knows him. Wish I could love my job more than anything in this world. Wish I could smile at me when I see myself in a photo or in a mirror and smile.

That shit could happen only in wildest of my dreams.

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