Dear Girl whom I don’t seem to recall,
I hope this letter finds you in good health and cheer!
Let me just tell you this upfront. My memory is not what it used to be. I am afraid I have lost most precious of my super powers. But few good friends who are around me make me remember things and remind me of people whom I seem to have forgotten. They are really helpful. But sometimes their help actually adds more burden to me than they think. It is not their fault and I know it is not their intention. But to live in a constant fear of hurting someone or anyone being indifferent and cross them with a not-so-friendly smile kills me. Just like what happened with you.
I couldn’t recall your face or the days we spent together when one of my friends said your name in the passing. I understand that you have called him after my accident and enquired about my well being. But when he said your name, I tried to search you in my contacts and in my Facebook friends list. It looks like you had blocked me. I will be damned if I know what I did to you for you to do that.
I searched my blog posts, emails and lot of other things which I bank upon to throw a gleam of light of what were you to me or what I was to you. I couldn’t find anything. But I am told that I was an angry person who destroys everything in anger, even if it was so close to my heart. I might have done it. But I understand the pain which the news of my accident could have caused you. You have reached out to know about me. I fear I had scared you there for a moment. I truly apologize.
But seriously, what was I to you? How did we get to know each other and why do I mean so much to you? I am ashamed to think of the things I have destroyed. I know for sure that I am not the one who goes for looks. There should be much more in a woman to attract me. Did we read the same books and discuss about it? Did we have the same taste in cinema? Did we talk late into nights?
Why am I writing this letter? Oh! I don’t know that. May be because this is the only medium I could reach out to you. Or because you don’t want to hear my voice again, ever. But this is killing me. I am not even sure what we had between us was a relationship. But this little bit of mystery, don’t you think, is enough to increase my curiosity? I may have not thought about you every day when we were talking. But will you believe me if I say that not a day pass by without thinking about you.
But that doesn’t stop us from being human. I am almost 30, balding guy with no special talents or passions. May be that was the reason we split given if we were in any kind of relationship. Women tend to do that. They relentlessly make the journey to the darkest and deepest corners of the mind of their loved ones, which is filled with cobwebs and unused tools and try to make it pretty. Believe me that will scare any man. I would have freaked out for sure. Loving one means letting somebody get in your head. Did I let you in my head? Were you scared seeing the darkest of my secrets and the ugliest of the truths the world will never see? I am sorry about that. But please know, if you had seen it, you should have been damn so important person of me. There are people who claim that they know me inside out and we go a long way. I could only smile at them. They wouldn’t even know my father’s name. Because people who know me will not stay with me. They run for their life. The fact that you have disappeared from my life makes me very curious about you. What did you see in me? How did I fall for you?
Did we ever kiss? Was I any good? The idea that we would have kissed is stuck in my brain which has not stopped thinking about you. To kiss is to give oneself to another completely. There are no two ways about it. More the frightening fact that I was ready to give myself to someone, how did I convince you to give yourself to me makes me go sleepless most of these nights.
I try to sleep more number of hours than I did last week because I didn’t have this nagging question back then. Who are you? Where are you? Is it too late for me to win you back? Did you find somebody who is more interesting than me? I suppose it shouldn’t be that difficult. But believe me when I say this. I had lost the faith that I could make a woman fall in love with me few years ago. If I had been in love with you it would not have been a mere accident. I have guarded my heart and soul in fear that such accidents may occur in my life again.
What interests you? Are you a person who sits in the terrace at middle of the night, naming the stars? Are you a person who tries to make your friends and family happy at the same time, even though it means you have to work twice the amount? Are you a person who is nursing a broken heart? Are you a person who was ready to discuss Feluda, Neruda and Derrida with me? Are you a person who craves for midnight ice creams? Are you a hill person or beach person?
You know what, sometimes thinking this much about you makes me go insane. That is why I wanted to write this letter to you. You might be a huge ocean and I might be seeing only the wave that kissed me. I am afraid I will fall in love with this short sighted dreams and opinions of mine. You should have been someone more than that. I am very sure about it. You should have been a magic. What else can explain a person jotting down a mindless letter to a person I don’t even remember?
It would be really unfair to ask you come back. If you read this letter, I realize you should have had a heart piercing pain when you come to know that I had destroyed all the things that reminded of you. I could have not told it. But I wanted to be honest and true. If we have shared a beautiful relationship, the only way I could have messed it up is by being not truthful to you. I don’t want to make that mistake again.
I don’t know how I fell for you before. I don’t even care anymore. One could get to know beauty and forget as easily as that. But I am learning to know about you. I am trying to put the pieces together. As Tolstoy wrote “Nothing in this world is given without labour, even love, the most beautiful and natural of feelings” If you had smiled at reading the last sentence know that I still linger in some corner of your heart. There are two ways to go about it. You can shut that small lurking feeling of getting back together and continue living your life. Nothing will change and everybody loves status quo. But if you decide watching me lurking in that heart of yours I may gain courage and start exploring more and slowly I would be in the folds of your brain and will not let you go about your chores which were very easy till now. But believe me, if you go for the second option the magic will come alive again.
The guy who didn’t forget you by choice.
This post is written for “Write a Love Letter” campaign by The Chennai Bloggers Club