“Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast, or a god.”
~ Francis Bacon
He has gone too far, I think. Most people doesn’t really enjoy being alone. If its forced isolation from human contacts, then things become worse. On that day in Preethi’s blog I was reading about Drainers and Radiators. When I was isolated, I called upon the few poor souls who were talking with me, drained all their energy and chased them away from me.
Then the usual cribbing started like “Why nobody doesn’t like me?” “Why don’t they understand people” and things and things. It went for around 3 weeks or so. Then I didn’t like the way I was living. I mean dragging myself to office, feeling self sympathy etc. So I actually stopped cribbing about my position at least verbally. No, It didn’t attract new friends.
The biggest challenge for me then was my mind was speaking non stop. Really, It became unbearable as I spent few sleepless nights (12 to be exact), I was trained to watch my thoughts. I was not able to see someone happy. I was not able to imagine myself happy. And if there is only way I could imagine myself happy is avenging the person who hurt me. Geez! I am not that kinda guy.
I took two days off.. I went on to a different town, where I had not been ever. It was like vagabonding. I knew no one there, I didn’t have company. But still I enjoyed every moment of my travel. It was fun. I clicked lots and lots of photographs, bought books, Ate in roadside shops and to my utter disbelief my mind voice was reducing and I was able to think clearly 🙂
But still, what worried me was I thought I would lose all my social skills, to interact and to make new friends. Partly because I am throwing negativity, secondly because of my know-all attitude. So I decided to keep quiet. And boy, I am glad that I made that decision. No loose talks. No fear of letting wrong words slip out of mouth and the aftermath. 🙂
I am sorry, I am not trying to advice or post some self-development things here. I just wanted to document it because, someday if I am in this position again, I would be able to see what helped me. The pain of loneliness was overcome by joy of solitude.
Today, I as usual went for a break alone. Now I am enjoying it. And when I had lighted my stick someone wanted to share the flame. He was a nice gentleman. Nicely dressed. He gave me a smile. I was confused, whether he was trying to mock me or was his face like that because the smile started in lips and ended there. It didn’t reach his eyes.
I kept quite and after a while, he came to me and started to talk about random things that how his manager is ill treating him and how he feels down and other unexpected expenses on family front and all. I was not able to understand why he was telling me all this. Because you know month ends, I am not rich enough to loan. But still, I once asked him “what do you want me to do?” and he waved me off and went on with his story. It went for about 20 minutes. He even bought me another cigarette.
“You know Boss! I never said any of these things to anyone. I am glad that you are here now.” He gave me his card and smiled again. This time his eyes were illuminated with the smile. I understood that I made a friend today.
True that sometime alone for yourself, self implicated or forced, may do some good for you. See!! I turned positive :).